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This evening Calista left me with the dreaded feeling of impending brokenheartedness. I caught a glimpse of an email that she has sent to someone locally who was advertising a spare room. It held more than empty wish-fullfilment, she made it clear that she thought it was 'time to move on.'

Quite who it was, I doubt I will descover. What I do know is that Calista is serious about leaving now. It hurts, but I think I serve her as a cheap room at the moment. She has no idea that I know. There is little chance that she will be able to afford anything, as she does very little in terms of work. Just a part-time job. It brought me a clear shot of the old clear blue though. I recognised my old willfulness in her, the dogged determination to dissolve into the world and emurge better off.

Years ago now, so I forget which charity she worked for, I met Nora. She came in to explain their charity's work, then became tongue-tied and I untangled her with light conversation and asked for her number. She was/is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen and I’m surprised even now that I managed to get my words out. We met up a few days later and soon I was besotted. I kept looking at her and imagining all the places I wanted to kiss her. It was honest immature infatuation. The sweetest kind of attraction.

It came to me that I needed to become more than I was. At the time I was on a friend's floor after leaving home in a bout of the same aforementioned willfullness - running from my family, rather than a lover. I felt I needed to become a man of substance. I started by flat hunting and ended up with a flat. Deposit down I was close to my aim. I focused on new clothes, the only thing she'd see of me, I thought. I didn't need to furnish my new home, as much as I needed jeans with 'fashionable' tears, rather than rips from knee to shin. Once completed I was the model of a fasionable gentleman. Yet one thing was missing. Her.

She'd ended up admitting to being in love with another man. I was drawn and quartered at the confession. So that was that, I was taken from ruin to kindom and back down to ruin again, but this time with a new location. I had my own home and enough focus to gain the things to set me right. So when I think of Calista's need to escape I can only admire that in her and though it is me that she will run from, I wont stop her if its what she wants. Why get in the way of a person when they will just find a way to sidestep you.

Calista is going to escape, and i'll miss her, but like Nora - i'll survive her. It was a time that brought me to clawing at fashionable tears, but it was a time that I outlived. Nora was a succubus; then again, if not for her infedelity - I wouldn't be here in my current position; which smacks of thankfulness and regret.